THE GREAT GAME in 30 minutes!
by Milwaukee Meg
Summary: Third  and last  parody of Sherlock episodes. Crack. And Crack. And more crack.


A/N: So... Here it is. The last parody in the series. It was hell to write, but I hope it is at least half as good as the first two were. :D

I HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY THIS!

* * *

><p>MINSK: (Surprisingly is in Belarus)<p>

BELARIUSSIAN VIEWERS: (Proudly at sulking Poles and Russians) GO, MINSK, GO!

NON-EASTERN EUROPEAN VIEWERS: Huh? (looking for a map) Turns out that 'belarus' isn't a Russian curse, figures!

SHERLOCK: Tell me your story, so I can get some cheap laughs and practice for annual 'Grammar Nazi' convention.

PRISONER: So, like, there was a girl, y'know, like, a waitress, and we, y'know…like, y'know. And I sorta kinda, like, killed she. Help I, Mizter Homes, y'know.

SHERLOCK: … Now I know why no one here could understand you. They've learned ENGLISH here. So, you killed her and you want help in…?

PRISONER: In findin' out why the hell I be on friggin' Belarus! Like, BELARUS, man?

VIEWERS: My, this scene MUST be extremely important to the entire story! Belarus?

MOFFAT: Heh, you see…

* * *

><p><strong>SHERLOCK<strong>

**THE GREAT GAME**

BY "I REALLY WROTE THAT?" GATISS AND "YOU _REALLY_ WROTE THAT?" MOFFAT

STARRING: BENEDICT "DAT ASS" CUMBERBATCH AND MARTIN "DAT SMILE" FREEMAN… AND SOME GUYS YOU SAW IN FIRST EPISODE. REALLY, THIS TIME.

Shortened by Milwaukee Meg

* * *

><p>SHOTS: (are heard)<p>

RDJ!HOLMES FANS: Copycats! They stole it from OUR bestest Holmes EVER! Only he's so badass!

CANON-KNOWING FANS: (facepalm)

JOHN: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

SHERLOCK: Why, shooting the fourth wall. There's a fanfiction where…

JOHN: I don't want to know. Last time you told me, I couldn't look at jam for… Actually, is it still in the fridge to scare me?

SEWED HEAD: Nope.

JOHN: Oh. OH. What…

SEWED HEAD: It was just a flesh wound, really.

JOHN: … Sherlock, why is there a head in our fridge?

SHERLOCK: Because Marks & Spencer ran out of babies. Speaking of slimy little disgusting things that give people gag reflexes and that should be banned… You wrote down our case. You named it "Study in Pink". Not "Murderous cabbie from hell got caught by one and only Sherlock 'Hotpants' Holmes", not "My brilliant, deadly sexy flatmate is a genius", not even "Study in my fascinating, clever and the most irresistible flatmate". And you spelled 'awesome' wrong in your description of me – it doesn't start with 'cumber' but 'awe'. I know everything…

JOHN: What about the Earth orbiting the Sun?

SHERLOCK: What about your teddy bear orbiting my garden? Now that you don't find my heads in the fridge attractive I shall sulk in extremely sexy way. (sulks in extremely sexy way) No need to comfort me… I don't need a hug. Nope. … And I'm not using reverse psychology!

JOHN: (is oblivious) La, la, la, I'm oblivious. I'm so oblivious that I'll go to the woman I almost got killed twice on one evening and who probably barricaded door in case I wanted to drop by. (leaves obliviously)

SHERLOCK: … Stupid reverse psychology. Time for more sexy sulking.

EXPLOSION: (ends the scene with the bang)

JOHN: (who can't be further that 600 meters from the explosion even if he ran) Always knew our domestics would end with raging fire, explosions and dead bodies. Oh, well, this metaphor is kind of loud.

MILWAUKEE MEG: I have just friggin' messed with CRACK PERFECTION. I messed with that scene. I. Just. I. Gosh. … I need a drink.

* * *

><p>SARAH: So. You managed to go around my seven barricades and get inside the house. You want to have sex andor breakfast?

JOHN: Would love to.

SARAH: Okay but it's self – service here. (looks at John again. And again) BUT I think I'll go and have myself a shower. A cold one. A very cold one. Well, if someone would accompany me… it might get hot. Wink wink, nudge nuge. WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE! C'mon, get it already!

JOHN: OH NO, SHERLOCK GOT BLOWN UP!

SARAH: Why those perfect guys always have a boyfriend… ? Cold shower, then.

JOHN: Don't die, Sherlock, ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Okay. Don't panic. There is no reason to panic.

MYCROFT: Hi.

JOHN: NOW PANIC!

MYCROFT: John, tell Sherlock he's an idiot and he must take the case, for the Queen, country and Marmite.

SHERLOCK: John, tell Mycroft to eat a cake that has 100000000 kalories, I'm busy doing nothing, also for the Queen, country and even Marmite. And tell him I saw what he did with this Barbie when he was eight.

MYCROFT: John, take this file, and tell Sherlock that I saw what he did with the Barbie _owner_.

SHERLOCK: John, tell him I'm pointedly silent.

MYCROFT: John, tell him that this case involves … 'Bruce Partington plans'.

GATISS: (muttering, while reading AC Doyle's books) 'Not really connected with the canon' they say, I'll show them who's not connected with the canon. I'll connect their _brains_ with it. Permanently. And forcefully.

SHERLOCK: John, tell him I'm pointedly playing the violin.

MYCROFT: John, tell Sherlock I'm glad he took the case. Pointedly.

JOHN: I tell you, Sherlock, I think I'm in shock. Not very pointedly, though. Just generally.

SHERLOCK: And I tell you… That Lestrade tells me we've got a case. Come, I'll be lost without my blogger – that doesn't make any sense, but no one knows who is Boswell now.

GATISS: (is smug)

MOFFAT: (facepalm)

* * *

><p>LESTRADE: I tell you, the explosion was in fact due to the bomb, not the gas leak, surprise, surprise. And it produced this envelope, which is probably full of anthrax, so we'd x-rayed it to mutate the little buggeers so you die more quickly and more painfully.<p>

SHERLOCK: Anthrax? No, it's worse. Much worse. This was written by THE woman who lives in Bohemia, not Czech Republic, because you might not get it then.

SLASHERS: This can't be the person we think of! Not now! Not ever! NOOOOOO! Where's my pitchfork?

NON!SLASHERS: Huh? You mean… Irene Adler will be here? Cool!

SLASHERS: DON'T SAY THAT NAME! It burns.

PINK PHONE: Hello guys, that was ONE HELL of the party, but I'm back!

LESTRADE: The same phone!

SHERLOCK: It lies. Never trust something that you don't know where it's brain is, you idiot.

LESTRADE: Says a man who doesn't know what goes around what in the universe.

SHERLOCK: I know that John's eyeballs will go round his ankles when I'm done with him. And you'll be able to pick up his remains in a teaspoon. YES, JOHN, a TEASPOON.

JOHN: Ho, hum, I don't know what you're talking about, wasn't me. Ho, hum?

PINK PHONE: You have one new message. Pip, pip, pip, pip, piiiiip. And a photo! End of the message. Cool, eh? I'm good little phone, ain't I?

JOHN: Five pips?

GATISS: (laughs maniacally)

MOFFAT: That's IT. I'm confiscating your copy of 'Collected works of AC Doyle'! One more reference and I'll confiscate your pen. I dare you.

SHERLOCK: Oh, some old crappy, horrifying place. Yes, that reminds me of Mrs. Hudson's house.

* * *

><p>JOHN: How in the world in the house with number 221B is a flat 221C?<p>

SHERLOCK: That's one of the main reasons no one wanted to take it, it doesn't exist outside this episode.

LESTRADE: Did someone notice I appeared out of the thin air on some point?

BOOTS: (were made for walking)

JOHN: BOOO! Did I scare you? Ha, I did! Ha, ha, ha!

SHERLOCK: You're so stupid I want to commit suicide, so I will do something as biohazardous and deadly as (dramatic music) … smelling those boots. If my brain turns to cheese feel free not to interfere.

PINK PHONE: BOOO! Did I scare you?

CRYING-LADY: Hello sexy. Did I scare you?

SHERLOCK: Hey, I'm not THAT sexy for you to cry. Oh, well, on the other hand you're probably so ugly that I'd cry too…

CRYING-LADY: Hey, I'm only her master's voice! He's ugly, apparently! Oh, and for that he gives you 12 hours to smell yourself silly with those boots.

(CHILD PASSING THE CAR: Mommy, mommy, look, strange, crying lady with creepy – looking vest of wires with big red countdown! And there is strange man pointing a gun at her!

MOMMY: Fashion this days… But it's a bit of improvement from 80's, at least. And it's not nice to brag about people's family problems, dear. )

SHERLOCK: Oh my. That's horrible.

JOHN: Yeah. This perfectly nice lady who can be homicidal killer and/or pedophilic psychopath can die!

SHERLOCK: No, you idiot, this must be horrible to be not as beautiful as me! … Well, you'd know.

LESTRADE: Does anyone know what the hell am I doing in this scene? No? So cut it.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Time to smell myself silly with this biohazardous boots! HOORAY! Lets grope them first!<p>

BOOTS: I think that counts as molestation.

JOHN: Okay, to solve this case… LET OUR POWERS COMBINE! HEART!

SHERLOCK: Sarcasm and reason. LOTS of sarcasm and reason.

JOHN: GO PLANET!... Wait. You didn't even try, did you?

SHERLOCK: I'll try if you grope me for a bit… Cough, cough. I mean, when you give me my phone.

JOHN: Ha, I managed not to touch you!

SLASHERS: Damn.

SHERLOCK: Damn. Just for that, feel more of my power of sarcasm and reason.

MOLLY: Howdy! HoW r U? LoL! :D MeEt mY bf!

JIM: Hello, I'm NOT suspicious. Nope. Not at all. And I don't wear a tie so you can't tell if I'm a programmer or not. I am, just in case. Not any… criminal mastermind. Ha, ha, ha.

NOT REALLY SAVVY VIEWERS: OH GOD! He must be from Belarus! It all makes sense now!

SAVVY VIEWERS: Jim, says you. Oh. OH. No, it couldn't possibly …

MOLLY: DaT iZ ShErLoCk, squee! And that's his useless sidekick.

JOHN: I'm sorry that you seem to be confused, the boy is mine.

JIM: Sherlock… Push the button!

SHERLOCK: Who let the gay out, who let the gay out?

MOLLY: WHO? Who, who who?

JIM: Okay, that's it, I'm going before it turns into full karaoke night. Got some criminal syndicates to run and several computers to plug in. See. You. Later. Sherlock.

JOHN: I'm just thinking of 1000000 ways to kill you, you know.

MOLLY: He's not gay!

SHERLOCK: Yup, no one would be happy when his girlfriend puts on weight.

MOLLY: I mean, he's not a fairy!

SHERLOCK: Obviously, he doesn't have wings and silly hat. But he has designer's underwear and puts products in his hair.

JOHN: No, that doesn't mean anything. I put products in my hair!

SHERLOCK: Exactly.

MOLLY: WHY? (runs)

FEMALE VIEWERS: WHY? WHY ALL OF those wonderful men are gay? WHYYYY?

SUICIDAL MALE VIEWERS: Try taking slash goggles off.

FEMALE VIEWERS: … Exterminate.

SHERLOCK: Yes! My sarcasm and reason power is so awesome. Makes girls run.

JOHN: Your sarcasm power is lousy.

SHERLOCK: … Just for that, you get to make a complete idiot out of yourself. C'mon deduce, while I laugh maliciously.

JOHN: Those are boots.

SHERLOCK: You're in splendid form.

JOHN: Aaaand they are quite clean. Aaaand belonged to a child.

SHERLOCK: Oh god, I think my spleen busted from all this laughing. See how I deduce it LIKE A BOSS.

JOHN: Some stupid deduction powers…

SHERLOCK: Powers… Carl Powers! I solved it. A bit. To the Batcave, Robin.

JOHN: (mumble, mumble, mumble) What kind of stupid power is 'carl' anyway?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Long, long time ago when I was hated, little, spotty, bratty know – it – all, I showed off and made myself a pest. I can't fathom why they didn't listen to me, when I said Carl Powers was murdered.<p>

JOHN: Ever heard about the boy who cried 'wolf'?

SHERLOCK: But every time I cried 'wolf' there was one!

JOHN: See? Perfectly good reason for them to get rid of you.

* * *

><p>JOHN: I want to be a little less useless.<p>

MYCROFT: HA! I waited for this moment! You never expected a text! No one expects the text!

JOHN: Oh, God, not another Monty Python reference, Sherlock, your brother is unbelievable.

SHERLOCK: Could you leave and try NOT to disturb me?

JOHN: But… I want to be useful! I want to help you! Can I? Can I? Can I?

SHERLOCK: You couldn't be more Labrador – like even if you tried.

JOHN: Can I help? Can I? Please? Please?

SHERLOCK: … How to get rid of you? OH. John! Fetch.

* * *

><p>JOHN: Hello Mycroft. I came to fetch some information. By the way, do you have any sticks here?<p>

MYCROFT: My brother has such strange sense of humor sometimes. Please, do continue, I find your obvious, blatant lies quite refreshing from all this diplomatic ones.

JOHN: Err… Sherlock is out… Investigating, investigating out … And I'm here… to, err…

MYCROFT: Oh, you're so adorable and sweet that I think my brother sent you here to make my toothache worse.

SHERLOCK: HA HA! This botulinum toxin was poisoned!

JOHN: Okay, so he was murdered. … HOLY GAY KNICKERS I think I got it! The murderer! The murderer is our bomber!

SHERLOCK: (facepalm)

VIEWERS: (facepalm) The guy murdered a kid twenty years ago, taking his boots so Sherlock Holmes would become interested, kept them all this time in perfect state so now he could get our detective to play some stupid 'great game'. No, that's perfectly reasonable.

MAJORITY OF VIEWERS: Damn. I can't keep my shoes in good state for two years. … Maybe they'll give some tips later?

CRYING – LADY: I'm your prize! Come and get me! … (to herself) Well, it could be worse.

ALIENS: (approach her while making Darth Vader sounds)

CRYING – LADY: Damn. I had to say it.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: That was fun. Wow. Let's do it again!<p>

LESTRADE AND JOHN: NO! NO, no, no!

PINK PHONE: I live to serve! Hooray! Pip, pip, pip, piiip. And a nice looking photo, just for you.

SHERLOCK: Oh, a photo, have my phone, Lestrade, see for yourself.

PINK PHONE: Noooo! No, don't, I'm yours, only yours! Okay, you bastard, see if I get you any calls.

SALLY'S PHONE: Someone's got to work around here. I ring, ring, ring.

CRYING MAN: Hello. I'm delivering some villainy speech stuff. Do you feel the DRAMA!

JOHN:I do! I feel the drama! Oh my, don't I feel it! I FEEL it… Don't look at me like that, Sherlock.

* * *

><p>SALLY: As we're on the crime scene where someone probably died, let's talk about your sex life. Oooch, sex life and insulting people make my days.<p>

JOHN: You really should find yourself a hobby.

SALLY: Find yourself a hobby yourself! Or, better yet, I'll find you one! What about bungee jumping without the rope? Russian roulette with full magazine? Recreational alligator wrestling? Playing Jar Jar Binks on Star Wars conventions? Playing Jar Jar Binks on Star _Trek_ conventions? Or…

LESTRADE: Yes, this randomly poured black currant juice is the man's blood. But we can't find his body.

SHERLOCK: Taking into account your general one- digit IQ, it's a miracle you find _your _bodies, so I'm not surprised. Oh, a new person to intimidate, how funny! Hello, amoeba, I knew your husband from his early years in Sussex.

WIFE: He's from York.

SHERLOCK: Yes, but… he called it Sussex, he was such a funny guy! Great sense of humor!

WIFE: He was as much fun as a recycled coffin with a childhood trauma.

SHERLOCK: Well… Oh, look, a car! How strange! Whole Mark, always forgetting stuff, always daydreaming and getting himself killed…

WIFE: (rightfully angry) Are we talking the same conversation here, or you have mistaken the crime scenes today?

JOHN: THAT was the biggest deduction fail since Napoleon took a map and said "Look, c'est 'Waterloo', no English scum will want to fight near 'water-toilet'!".

SHERLOCK: Shut up, this was … er… a part of my MASTER PLAN, not a random deducing failure. It was so cunning, that even my brain was temporarily blinded with its total brilliantness. No, really. I mean, really really.

SALLY: …Hey! Try hitchhiking with Vogons! Or reading poetry!

* * *

><p>CHILD WHO PASSES BY CRYING MAN: Mommy, look! Another strange, crying person who has wires under his jacket, reads from some weird ancient thing and who hadn't moved for last 30 minutes! And he has red dot on him! And he speaks of dying, and some weird stuff.<p>

MOMMY: Don't be silly, he's just one of those emo kids. You just can't come and ask distraught and obviously held here against his will man if you can do anything to help him. That would be rude.

* * *

><p>MOFFAT: And we'll call it… Janus Cars. The clue is in the name. Heh, heh, heh.<p>

GATISS: Nice, two headed… God. (facepalm) I hate you.

JOHN: Let me try to look important and useful.

JANUS: Let me try to look relaxed and innocent.

SHERLOCK: Let me try not to laugh hysterically at you both.

JOHN: Hey, I AM being useful here! Drooling in my notebook, and… drooling. In my important notebook. Usefully.

JANUS: Sorry, I'm too relaxed and innocent to care that you're having a blast.

SHERLOCK: Between the two of you jokers, I really need a cigarette. Or some blood to play with in very sinister manner.

* * *

><p>CRYING GUY: The clue is in the name!<p>

SHERLOCK: Yes, I got the fact he's an ass.

CRYING GUY: The OTHER CLUE, you idiot!

SHERLOCK: There IS other clue?

MOFFAT: Psst! Mark! Do you think the viewers got that now? I'd hate if this hilarious joke was lost to them.

VIEWERS: … What joke?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Because I've got an x-ray vision, I know there is exactly a pint of blood in there.<p>

LESTRADE: X-ray vision? You cannot possibly know there is a pint of blood with x-ray vision!

SHERLOCK: Stand in the corner and think what you have done. By the way, Janus Cars did it, as his name implies.

JOHN: How clever, two headed god! Yes, that explains exactly nothing, hooray!

SHERLOCK: You don't get it, do you?… you're hopeless.

VIEWERS: GET FRIGGIN WHAT?

LESTRADE: But…

SHERLOCK: FINALLY! SOMEONE GETS IT!

LESTRADE: No.

SHERLOCK: … You're going to bed without the supper. And I'm keeping you in the dark, by the way! When the case is over, turn off the lights! John, c'mon babe, light my fire!

* * *

><p>JOHN: Why are you looking at me like that?<p>

SHERLOCK: (looking at John like that) Because I know exactly how your meal was made. Heh, heh, heh.

JOHN: I hate you. And for that I'll try to be perceptive and intelligent.

SHERLOCK: I'll try not to melt for the sheer cuteness of you, not that I'm listening to the word you're saying. Now I know why my brother got this toothache; after watching so much of CCTV material on you… You wonderful…

PINK PHONE: Oh no'es! Virgin alarm, virgin alarm! Sending you the most 'spoiling the mood photo' I could find!

SHERLOCK: Huh? What's this Pokemon?

JOHN: You're lucky I got them all!

SHERLOCK: My HERO!

PINK PHONE: NO! VIRGIN FREAKING ALARM! ALARM! Finding the most 'spoiling the mood voice' I could find!

OLD LADY: Boo.

SHERLOCK: There goes the mood. C'mon John. Oh, and do you know that your chicken was in fact a crab named Sebastian?

* * *

><p>LESTRADE: Let me enlighten you.<p>

SHERLOCK: Your pun is invalid. Please try again later. Oooh, a body, how much fun, let's look it over!

JOHN: Hooray! I'm a doctor, I can be useful for once! Yippie – kay – ey!

SHERLOCK: Your usefulness is invalid. Please try again later.

JOHN: I'm going to cry. Boo, hoo.

SHERLOCK: Awww, those puppy eyes. Okay, you can go and download internet to a floppy disc! I'll help me so much.

JOHN: Hooray! (gets to work)

LESTRADE: Could you put some light on the fact why the hell a criminal would let you solve crimes? Except of it being a masterplan of international intrigue, of course.

SHERLOCK: … Did you see how cute John is?

LESTRADE: Think of all those poor people covered in semtex, that are out there, somewhere, scared to death…

SHERLOCK: I'm thinking, I'm thinking… Did you see the puppy eyes? Oh my. I'm going, I've got to see him jamming the floppy disc into CD drive.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: So, quick reminder of what are we doing.<p>

PINK PHONE: Quick reminder why we shouldn't like you.

VIEWERS: Quick reminder – we don't care for morals now. JUST LOOK AT HIM! AAAAAH!

* * *

><p>NEUROTIC BROTHER: I couldn't be more gay if I tried. And more unlikable. And I've got stereotypical, freaky cat.<p>

JOHN: Huh, I'm starting to be glad me and Sherlock are straight – out of four homosexuals on the show one is a drunk, one is a murderer, one is a neurotic idiot and one is a … Hey, why are you cutting this scene?

* * *

><p>MRS HUDSON: I get to be comic relief now.<p>

LESTRADE: Not really.

MRS HUDSON: Good person to talk with?

LESTRADE: Nope.

MRS HUDSON: Good gossip source?

SHERLOCK: Tumblr beats you.

MRS HUDSON: Does anyone know why am I here?

SHERLOCK & LESTRADE: NO.

* * *

><p>NEUROTIC BROTHER: I'm going to get creepy now. Really creepy. Do you know you're cute? I shall stare at you now. And stare. And stare.<p>

JOHN: That is a bit suspicious… This staring. Sitting so close. Staring. This leads me to believe… YOU'RE THE KILLER!

CYNICAL VIEWERS: There is a better way to say 'not interested', you know?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Hi John!<p>

JOHN: That guy started groping me, so he's the killer!

SHERLOCK: You're wron… What do you mean – groping? I'll be right there! No one gets to grope you but me!

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: I'm giggling like a schoolgirl with a crush. Just look at you, John, trying to deduce something. You suck so beautifully in it. It's an art of failure.<p>

JOHN: Yeah, well, I can be a bit of genius too… Wait, what?

SHERLOCK: I think I'll get you to handle important cases some more, because this is so funny. Oh, and you're still totally useless here, but you look nice, at least. My cute dumb blonde.

JOHN: I'm going to kill you with a plastic spork. When I finally figure out what the hell it is, of course. I'm not a dumb blonde!

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: You're all stupid and you don't know botulinium toxin is botox. Oh, and John, standing with your mouth open doesn't make you look less like dumb useless blonde.<p>

JOHN: (stands with open mouth) Hey, I'm cooling my brain here! I just figured out you knew who killed Connie from the start.

SHERLOCK: Brilliant. But you're still stupid.

OLD LADY: I'll try to tell you nothing and get blown up nonetheless. Oh, success!

DRAMA: (is here to stay!)

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Time to stop this ongoing cuteness. Let me show you I'm a bastard.<p>

JOHN: Let me show you, that even if I killed two people in 2,5 episodes, I'm the one with morals. I'm sure you and the bomber will be happy together.

DRAMA: (All play and no drama makes Johnny a dull character; so let us cheer for it!)

SHERLOCK: What?

SLASHERS: What? No bloody way!

JOHN: I'm the moral one, you pointy eared, green blooded, cold - hearted freak!

SHERLOCK: I'm the logical one. Really, Dr. Watson. You must learn to govern your passions; they will be your undoing. Logic suggests…

JOHN: I'm still the cute one, though.

SHERLOCK: I'm still having a crush on you, though.

PINK PHONE: This is too cheesy even for me. I'll drown myself in pixels of Thames.

* * *

><p>LESTRADE: We found the body. It didn't match the car, though.<p>

SHERLOCK: Obviously. The fact that you tied the scarf like me didn't make you a genius, you know.

LESTRADE: It was worth a go.

JOHN: Can I be useful? Pretty please? pretty please with my medical knowledge on top? Aw, thank you!

SHRLOCK: As I don't know a thing about what happened, time to google, so I won't try to ogle John. Okay, so 'fat' 'man' 'uniform' 'thames' wtf' 'idek' 'lol' should do it. Oh, lost Vermeer as first result, golem as a second, as a third. We really got to talk about that jam, John.

LESTRADE: Golem? Really? What's next, people rising from the graves?

JOHN: This one is most definitely dead, I tell you.

SHERLOCK: I have the sudden urge to laugh and call you 'Watson'. And Golem is an assassin from Bohemia who is extremely scary. He killed this meaningless security guard who saw Vermeer was a fake.

SCARY SHADOW: (striking everyone with terror) Boo.

LESTRADE: It's nuts so I can't eat it up, because I'm on the all - carb diet.

SHERLOCK: Boo, you whore.

JOHN: Take it easy girls, or I will stuff you with Swedish candy bars.

SHERLOCK: You wouldn't! Okay… then. Time to shine!

VIEWERS: Time to swoon.

JOHN: Time to flirt.

SHERLOCK: Time to flirt back.

LESTRADE: Time to cockblock! Hooray!

* * *

><p>HOMELESS GIRL: The world has changed… I feel it in the air… I feel it in the water… I feel it in the trees in my imagination… I feel it in the way that you sneak this secret message into my hand… Oh, shiny! No, wait, it's a paper. Not shiny. Where was… There is no spoon!<p>

SHERLOCK: Time after time you remind me I don't want anyone to know we're acquainted.

HOMELESS GIRL: JOHN WATSON! I see… S ! Sarah, Spouse! She will get fat and ugly and…

JOHN: Wha…?

SHERLOCK: Sh! Not NOW. That instruction was meant for later.

* * *

><p>JOHN: So, a solo mission. I'll not botch it this time. I'll see all evidence, I'll deduce everything, and I'll prove I can do it!<p>

DEAD GUY'S FLATMATE: I'm useless really. He liked stars so he had this telescope for peeping in neighbours' window. And he hated art. And he liked doughnuts. And he hated cleaning. And he had a phone call from random astronomer.

ANSWERING MACHINE: (girly voice) Aaaaaah, he's right beside me, Jack the Ripper, it's him! Its AAAAAGH (call ends) PIIIP (masculine voice) Do you want to buy encyclopedia? No need to get violent, sir, please do not throw the telephone, I say, PLEASE do not throw the teleph… (call ends) PIIIP (Astronomer's voice) Hey, I just took a course of saying nothing in the highest number of words possible! (call ends)

JOHN: OH! That's it! The cleaning! It must be the clue! He hated cleaning and… And…

DEAD GUY'S FLATMATE: And you're useless flatmate too, huh?

JOHN: … Who cares about some stupid crimes anyway.

MYCROFT: I DO.

JOHN: This day get's better and better. What's next, getting kidnapped and strapped to a bomb?

* * *

><p>CURATOR: Wearing CDs as a pendant and being mean to workers in this season's black, obviously. First one, checked, second one... Hm. Who can I shout at in this empty and closed down museum? HEY YOU! Why are you not working when there is no work to be done?<p>

SHERLOCK: Are you talkin' to me?

FEMALE VIEWERS: If there is something hotter than man in suits... it's man in uniforms. (drooling)

SHERLOCK: Painting's a fake. So is your CD. Ain't that sad?

CURATOR: WHAAAT? My CD a fake? How dare you! And about the painting – you can't possibly now! I forged it myself, it's perfect. Oh, darn, I fire you, because you're actually talking back, and it's NOT the in this season.

SHERLOCK: You want to fire me? Me? (drumroll, lights, smoke, mirrors, horse's neigh, thunder, lightening) THE GREAT SHERLOCK HOLMES ?

CURATOR: ... Yes. Sorry, who?

SHERLOCK: you mean you don't know who is (drumroll, more lights, more smoke, a few mirrors broke from the strain, horses' neigh thunders, lightening) THE GREAT SHERLOCK HOLMES? (his voice echoing through the hall)

CURATOR: ... Should I?

SHERLOCK: Oh. Well then. I'll be going. You really haven't heard of me? Really? It must be this stupid uniform, you don't recognize me.

FEMALE VIEWERS: If there is something hotter than a man in uniform... it's man stripping from one! (drooling and cheering) C'mon, just a bit more!

CURATOR: Nope. Still nothing.

SHERLOCK: THINK OF YOUR LIFE, THINK OF YOUR CHOICES!

* * *

><p>JOHN: It would be easier if I remembered what I was investigating.<p>

VIEWERS: ... He was investigating something? Huh, figures.

GATISS: HA, you thought we forgot! In your face! HA!

MOFFAT: We DID forget.

GATISS: That's not THE POINT. ... What was it all about, again?

MOFFAT: (Sigh) Just do a short recap of the whole thing. Oooh, ohh, and remember to make John cute.

GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER: I'LL GIVE YOU CUTE!

JOHN: Is there anything I have learned from this scene? Except that my 'three continents' charm works only in Europe, not in Britain?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Yeah, exactly, did you learn anything in the last two scenes?<p>

JOHN: Security Guard didn't like cleaning?

HOMELESS GIRL: REDRUM! REDRUM! Have a piece of paper and a nice day, sir. THE END IS NEAR! THE END IS COMING! KHAAAAAAAN!

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Look, John, at those beautiful stars, they shine like your eyes, my feeling is true, under this sky of navy blue...<p>

JOHN: So many stars? In the middle of London? Oh, those are helicopters, good.

SHERLOCK: You're hopeless as an object of admiration. Let's go to the sewers, that will cheer you up.

JOHN: Aw, how romantic. Any particular reason why you chose this for our first date?

SHERLOCK: ... This is London's Chamber of Secrets.

JOHN: With basilisk and irritating twelve – year – old kids with big swords?

SSHERLOCK: No, with Golem, homeless network, and stinking water, and 200 unknown diseases.

JOHN: Nice, you had me worried for a moment there. ... Is it a good moment to tell you about the horror I watched recently?

SHADOW: My preciousss, where is my precioussss...

JOHN: Yeah, where is my precious?

SHERLOCK: Here.

JOHN: As much as I value you as my friend... Ah, my gun. Yessss (taking the gun, turning into BAMF). Hello, pretty.

BLACK CAR: Do you know the way to Mordor?

SHADOW: Sure. I'll show you. If you can drive with the screech of tires, of course.

SHERLOCK: Damn. Now we have to find seven more people and go around the London through three books.

JOHN: In my times I was good in riddles, so I'd say planetarium, because of secret message I forgot to tell you about.

SHERLOCK: John! You saved us! You deduced correctly! You...

JOHN: ... I really hope I guess right about what you have in your pocket, otherwise the slashers might get a bit overfed.

SLASHERS: Overfed? NEVER! Bring it on! I'm freakin' ready!

* * *

><p>ASTRONOMER: La, la, la, I'm oblivious, la, la, la.<p>

GOLEM: Gaaaaaaah. (what probably means: 'Oh my, another boring day, killing old ladies and stuff')

SHERLOCK: Ready or not, here I come!

JOHN: As a military man, I'll run with my gun in the darkness, posing threat to everything in 100 feet radius.

GOLEM: Gaaaah (what probably means: "Stupid human. Golem will have fun now")

SHERLOCK: MMHMHMHMHMHHM ( probably: "I'M GETTING FREAKIN' SSUFFOCATED! NO TIME FOR TRANSLATIONS!")

JOHN: I'll unleash my BAMFness now. Let him go, or I'll shoot in your way, probably killing Sherlock in the process. Besides, we've got some unfinished business, Golem.

GOLEM: Gaaaah (probably: "Stupid hobbit. This was my brother's unfinished business, but I can kill you too, why not")

VIEWERS: Does anyone know who is winning? Nevermind, let us just WATCH!

SHERLOCK: Okay, time for some boxing skills.

RDJ!HOLMES: Pff. Amateur.

GOLEM: Gaaaah. (Probably: "Time to go, this people are crazy. Someone might get hurt!")

SHERLOCK: Gah. (Probably: "Gah")

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Googling now. Wikipedia says it's a fake, sorry lady!<p>

CURATOR: It can't be!

SHERLOCK: It is. I edited the article myself.

PINK PHONE: Forgot about me?

SHERLOCK: No. Fake.

SILENCE & DRAMA: (they're here!)

SHERLOCK: Fake, it was a child's play.

CHILD: O rly? You've got 10 seconds. It would get easier if I knew how to count to more than 5.

DRAMA: (IT HERE, OH GOD, ISN'T IT! ITS FREAKING HERE. DRAMATICALLY)

SHERLOCK: It would be easier if I didn't knew there is a hidden camera behind the painting ad I'm just making stupid faces. Aw, I'm pretty nonetheless.

JOHN: Giving you the deduction powers is some cosmic joke.

SHERLOCK: YES! No! It isn't. But that's the answer. Some joker painted the star that no one can notice in the place where no one would care if it is.

JOHN: You're brilliant... Hey, is there really hidden camera? Mind if make some faces? Besides, I like Rembrandt better.

MYCROFT: I DON'T.

JOHN: If there is someone with bomb to get me strapped, now is the right time. Anything but this, please.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Bohemia is kind of a leitmotiv here.<p>

MOFFAT: Maaark...

GATISS: Okay, okay, it's Czech from now.

SHERLOCK: What are we looking at here, Inspector?

LESTRADE: I don't know how about you, but I'm rather fondly looking at her chest.

CURATOR: Okay, okay, I confess, just stop looking, I faked the painting with some old weirdo from Argentina, Mr Hitlneinshwartzjashwartz who's painting skills could fool anyone.

SHERLOCK: Let me grunt pointedly, my ego needs constant feeding – have you ever heard how much a whale must eat daily, by the way?

CURATOR: The man who orchestrated the whole thing was... MORIARTY!

DRAMA: (has a lunch break)

VIEWERS: Is anyone surprised?

* * *

><p>WORKER: So, my lunch consists of toasts with jam... It's kind of funny no one asked you about any documents proving you're not some gore – looking weirdo. You said you were from the police?<p>

JOHN: Ha, ha, ha. Sorta... Kinda... Oh, look, tracks! Here he was killed?

WORKER: Yeah. About the jam...

JOHN: DON'T tell me NOTHING about JAM. Please. Talk about... blood. Blood and gore. Yes, that's nicer!

WORKER: Tough luck, there was no blood. But the jam...

JOHN: (THE LOOK OF DOOM)

WORKER: I just remembered an important job I had with some things that needed to be put on top of other things. I'll leave you now. Swiftly and with little or none dignity.

JOHN: I started talking to myself... Gosh, I know why Sherlock keeps me around now.

SHERLOCK: Yeah, mostly for this reason. Since you'd sit and stare at this for hours and get to no conclusion I'll solve the case now. Oh, and staking you was fun. You dumb blonde you!

JOHN: There goes my self respect. Thank you.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: We're breaking in!<p>

HOUSE 21A: (Is broken in)

JOHN: I'd solve it. Really. Even without knowing the girlfriend's brother name and not knowing what you are doing now. Oh, someone is coming. Time to cheer myself up a bit and threaten the owner of the flat with the gun!

GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER: I've got a power of bicycle and ecology!

JOHN: I've got a power of heart and morale. Oh, and a GUN that SHOOTS, I'd forgot that.

GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER: Waaaah! I'll tell you everything, but take me to the good cop now.

SHERLOCK: It's not bad cop, good cop. It's Straight Guy and Londoner. You're in trouble, mister.

GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER: Time for my touchy – feely story, which omits the fact that no one in their right mind would take uber-super-trouper-duper secret plans on a party.

JOHN: Wake me up after he finishes, ok? Ah, it's nice to solve a case.

VIEWERS: So, we're ending here?

SHERLOCK: Last pip, you idiots! There is one last pip!

VIEWERS: Ah, but what can really happen in... 10 minutes?

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: Yes, I'm talking with TV like any other sane person. What is horrifying here, that it's not an irony. Oh, and I'll drop just this knighthood hint, so the fans can write something more than slash.<p>

FANFICTION WRITERS: Who are you kidding?

JOHN: Ha, didn't I tell you, that solar system can be useful?

SHERLOCK: Nope, it can't. So now go, shoo, off you go.

JOHN: You're not plotting anything? Anything deadly?

SHERLOCK: Just go, I'll buy the milk if you go.

JOHN: Now I know you're plotting zombie apocalypse. But the milk better be fresh! Without any zombies attached.

SHERLOCK: Okay, I'm going to do something so intelligent that my brain would combust if he actually had something to do with that decision. I'll meet a murderous bomber alone, without any backup, and I'll give him some time to prepare himself. Yup. I'm a genius.

* * *

><p>SHERLOCK: La, la, la, I've got some secret plans! La, la, la!<p>

VIEWERS: C'mon... What's that, the Lord of the Rings to end 10000 times? Just get on with this.

JOHN: (appears) Hi there.

DRAMA: (IS COMING TO TOWN, PALS)

SHERLOCK: Whaaaaaa...

JOHN: Well, I'll just deliver the beginning of some villainy speech, then.

VIEWERS: No. NO. He can't be Moriarty. He just... Well, it all makes sense now, really. I knew it from the start.

JOHN: But really, it's Moriarty speaking.

VIEWERS: I KNEW IT.

SHERLOCK: ... aaaaaaaaaat do you want?

JOHN: He's threatening to kill me. Oh no'es.

SHERLOCK: It was kind of predictable, now.

MORIARTY: HIIIII!

SHERLOCK: That was not, though. I think I'd need that shock blanket now.

VIEWERS: What? I don't even... I mean, I knew, but... Aaaagh. (sitting o the edge of the seat)

MORIARTY: Is that a gun, or you're happy to see me?

SHERLOCK: Both. (skips a beat) Shucks, it had deeper meaning in my head. Forget it.

SLASHERS: NEVER.

BIG RED 'DEEP END' SIGN: (yes. It's literally there)

MORIARTY: I'm such an awesome guy, I played all those games to show you this. Do you feel impressed? I'm a Consulting Criminal.

SHERLOCK: More like 'Insulting Criminal'.

MORIARTY: Says 'Consulting Defective'.

SHERLOCK: I have one thing to say: (dramatic pause) wow, we're so cool and groovy!

MORIARTY: Yeah, we're the champions!

JOHN: (long suffering sigh) I want to break free.

MORIARTY: Okay, we've laughed, complemented each other, made stupid faces, had some jokes going... Now f*ck off. F*ck off or I'll poke you with a pointy stick.

SHRLOCK That's kind of mean.

MORARTY: Yeah, well. Comes with the job. Actually, I never wanted to be a criminal! I always wanted to be... a lumberjack! I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I kill people and I'm quite gay!

CHOIR OF SNIPERS: He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He kills people and he's quite gay!

SHERLOCK: I think my operating system is shutting down, screaming like a little girl.

MORIARTY: Okay, okay, so I always wanted to be psychopathic killer, ever since my mommy dropped me on the head when I was little brat. So. Peace?

SHERLOCK: No. You killed people. People died. I wouldn't care, really, but here's John and he's touchy about that.

MORIARTY: That's what people (thunder, lightening, cacophonic accord) DOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SHERLOCK: What, get touchy?

MORIARTY: (facepalm)

SHERLOCK: Okay, I think I was casting you, John, scared and longing glances for a bit too long now. You feel okay?

JOHN: Sometimes you ask really stupid questions. I'm strapped to a bomb by murderous psychopath with split personality, there are snipers pointing at me and I'm standing in a warm place in really thick coat. Sure I'm alright.

SHERLOCK: Oh, good, so we're trading goods of full value, Moriarty. Take this stick, and I'll take John, and we'll both have things we love. ... NO, not the things we love, I didn't say that, did I?

SLASHERS: You never had to, stupid. Aw, it's so romantic.

MORIARTY: Nice try... But no, I'll stick with both stick and John for now. Or maybe not, I'll throw the plans to the water, because I'm rather unbalanced and too groovy for this. If it was pink stick, are maybe funny nerdy stick... But this. Pleazzze. It's just not in, this season, okay?

SHERLOCK: I know what you mean... Have you seen those new fashion tips in...

JOHN: GAH! Kill me now. ... Okay, girls, time to get BAMF. (throws himself at Moriarty)

DRAMA: (IT'S IN, LIKE A CRAZY BALOON, LIKE A THUNER, LIKE TERMINATOR WAS BACK!)

MORIARTY: I know I'm attractive like hell, but people throwing themselves at me... That's a surprise.

JOHN: Run, Sherlock, run!

VIEWERS: That...That... OMG, OMG, OMG, I don't think I think now! This. This is... OMG.

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: Run.

ROMANTIC MUSIC: (Plays in the background)

SHERLOCK: Why?

JOHN: To save yourself.

SHERLOCK: Oh. I didn't think of that, thinking how to get you safe. But...

JOHN: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

MORIARTY: It's so frigggin' romantic I want to cry. Can I get a tissue?

JOHN: NO! Sherlock, I have been and always shall be your friend.

SHERLOCK: Oh, JOHN!

MORIARTY: I really need this tissue. ... No? Not letting me? Fine, snipers! Shoot this guy if he stops me from getting tissue, because, really, I can't be menacing enough with running nose from all this emotion.

RUNNING NOSE: (to viewers) You'd run too if you were attached to such a jerk. He never buys me flower - scented tissues.

SEVEN YEAR-OLD KIDS WITH LASER POINTERSWHO SIT AT THE POOL: Wow, this is FUN!

JOHN: And here goes my romance.

MORIARTY: It was all fun and games, but now, the message: eat vegetables, look both sides before crossing, don't play with matches AND GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK!

SHERLOCK: Or what? You'll laser me to death?

MORIARTY: Or I will... (drumroll, drama) BURN YOU HEART OUT! (beat) Or something, I don't know yet, but it sounds cool.

SHERLOCK: BUSTED! I don't have a heart. In YOUR FACE!

MORIARTY: Oh, denial's such a killer.

VIEWES: (on the edge of the edge of the seat) OH. MY. GOD. John. John is his... I don't even...!

SLASHERS: GAAAAAAAAAAH! SLASH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS SOOO WONDERFULLY! I'm dying now!

MORIARTY: Okay, this is the end, beautiful friend, the end. Bye!

SHERLOCK: What if I killed you for feeding the damn slashers that they will multiply like tribbles?

MORIARTY: Then you will be forced to see me doing stupid faces.

SHERLOCK: AGH! NOOOOO! Go, just, go!

MORIARTY: Really? Shucks, no one values my pantomime talent. (leaves)

VIEWERS: Wow, that was one hell of an ending. Wow. No, that was... WOW. Like, WOW, man.

SHERLOCK: Okay... RIPPING CLOTHES TIME!

JOHN: HELL YEAH!

VIEWERS: Forget previous 'wow'. WOOOOW!

SLASHERS: I. Am. In. HEAVEN. THIS. THIS. THIS. OMG This goes as my wallpaper now. ! My fandom does not need a photoshop, now!

SHERLOCK: I'm such a genius I'll wave around and scratch my head with a gun. Oh, and we're out of milk.

JOHN: I know you mean 'I love you'... Me too. Oh, my, I'm glad no one saw that, you, me, ripping clothes in animalistic and full of desire manner... They might get it all wrong.

SHERLOCK: Get it wrong? You mean they might think that we did it because of adrenaline rush and because being strapped to a bomb is dangerous, not because we can't keep our hands off each other and are hopelessly in love?

JOHN: Oh, well, they might get the RIGHT impression then. So, what are we doing now?

SHERLOCK & JOHN: (FLIRTY, DIRTY SMILE)

MORIARTY: THREESOME TIME!

VIEWERS: (on the edge of the edge of the edge of the seat) Whaaaaat? Whaaaat? I think I'll hyperventilate now. Don't mind me, carry on.

MORIARTY: Well, I was just thinking, and well, I thought I could kill you now. Why save the fun for later.

MOFFAT: Sneaky, Mark, sneaky.

GATISS: (innocent) Who, me?

MOFFAT: Letting Moriarty go so Sherlock and John can rip each other clothes... I love your devious mind.

SLASHERS: WE TOO! AAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! I died and went to heaven!

SLASH – HATERS: What, again? Can't you just stay dead for a while?

MORIARTY: I'd say some more villainy stuff but you've read TV Tropes and you know exactly what I will say.

SHERLOCK: (looking at John, communicating wordlessly: "I think I'll kill us all now, okay"?)

JOHN: (looking at Sherlock, communicating wordlessly: "What a brilliant plan to call your brother, I love you, tiger. ... I got your look right, didn't I?")

SHERLOCK: If you read TV Tropes, then you know perfectly well what will I do, then.

VIEWERS: I think that all my coherent thoughts can be summarised in one big 'OMG'. Wait. What 'coherent thoughts'?

SHERLOCK: (pointing gun at Moriarty)

DRAMA: (RED ALERT, DRAMA'S RED ALERT, ALL DRAMATICS AND TENSION ON THEIR POSITIONS!)

VIEWERS: (at the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the seat) What is life, what is breathing?

SHERLOCK: (pointing the gun at the bomb)

VIEWERS: : (at the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the seat)

DRAMA: (OKAY, WE'VE GOT 99,9% EFFICENCY IN DRAMATICS AND TENSION, GOTTA RISE IT! NO SLACKING!)

JOHN: (looks at Sherlock)

SHERLOCK: (Looks at the bomb)

MORIARTY: (Looks at Sherlock)

VIEWERS: (at the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the edge of the seat) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

BLACK SCREEN: Hi pals!

MORIARTY: Okay, which of you jokers turned off the lights? Gotta hate those seven – year – olds.

VIEWERS: (at the edge... nah, falling from the chairs now) WHAAAAAAAA? NO? NO? GIVE IT BACK? Calm down, calm, down, deep breaths, it's just a commercial break, it must be. Calm down. They wouldn't...

CREDITS: LET'S ROLL!

VIEWERS: ! No, no, no, when is next episode, where is it, WHERE? I NEED IT!

MOFFAT: ... Er... On the autumn of 2011? Mark, now we RUN!

VIEWERS: ! (breath) !

(10 minutes earlier:

MOFFAT: Okay, it's superb! It's perfect! It's... How we're ending it?

GATISS: Ending what?

MOFFAT: The scene, stupid, THE SCENE!

GATISS: ... We're ending it?

MOFFAT: Don't tell me you didn't think how to finish this?

GATISS: Heh, heh. I was hoping for a big blue policebox appearing and ...

MOFFAT: (facepalm) I. Hate. You. )

VIEWERS: ! (breath) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**THE END.**

**REALLY.**

**THAT'S ALL.**


End file.
